The Food
Today, instead of the usual horrendously unhealthy dinner I have in absentia parentis, I decided to go to the freezer of the local not-shitty grocery store to get a semi-balanced heat and eat thinger. This was probably a bad decision, as when it comes to meals, I am The Worst Decision-Maker On The Entire Fucking Planet. After spending about forty-six hours in front of the freezer trying to make up my fucking mind, I decided on this:
The Box:
"Amy's Southern Meals: Cornbread & Beans with Greens and Sweet Potatoes." Thrilling.Now, if you know me - chances are you don't - then you know I love Southern cooking. I don't love the tremendous amount of pork fat used in preparing said Southern cooking. I am not a big fan of ham hocks randomly floating around in something I'm eating, donchaknow? And to be quite honest, vegetables should never ever ever EVER taste like meat.
That said, I also enjoy feeling like I'm eating unhealthily when I'm actually eating healthy food (wait, hang on a minute...). So when I saw a vegetarian Southern-style frozen thinger (from Amy's no less, who makes pretty good dishes - including a very nice, albeit high in sodium, mattar tofu), I jumped on it like a howler monkey jumps on an Amazonian native in a late July rainstorm.
As I sat around and waited for it to cook, I started reading the back of the box. Sez here that "a friend of ours who comes from Louisiana helped us create this traditional meal" - WHOA HOLD ON A FUCKING MINUTE. 1) There's little to nothing traditional about a vegetarian, organic, only-5g-of-sat-fat fucking Southern frozen dinner. I live in the South, I know these things. 2) There are only three fucking vegetarians in Louisiana, which, due to the immense statistical improbability, leads me to believe Amy's is lying. Then again, of all people who'd know a vegetarian Louisianian, it'd probably be these hippies. My outlandish claims have been validated by my dear friend Kristopher says that the three vegetables essential to Louisianian cooking are "pork fat, roux, oh yeah, and some pepper"... y'all. SO THERE.
Anyway, blahblahblah, microwave. Here's what it actually looked like when cooked:
Yes, the orange is Photoshopped. Now, why on Earth would I do that, dear reader, if I wanted an accurate review? Oh, yeah: BECAUSE I WANTED AN ACCURATE REVIEW. You see, my webcam, although very much appreciated and loved, apparently doesn't speak orange. It showed up as this rather disgusting pale peach when I tried to photograph it, so I figured I'd attempt to make it look more attractive. Because, really, this actually looked almost as pretty as the image on the box. Really, I promise.
The Taste:
This was pretty good. The beans and the cornbread were actually really good - I wasn't expected a moist or sweet cornbread from a frozen dinner, but I got both and was really pleased. The sweet potatoes were kind of bland and would have benefited from some cinnamon or nutmeg or SOMETHING GOD because they really were so pretty, and eating them was the least enjoyable experience of the whole thing. As for the collard greens, they were quite yummy (cooked in vinegar) but then OH MY GOD MUSHROOMS. I don't really have much against mushrooms, but WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY DOING IN THE COLLARD GREENS THEY DO NOT BELONG THERE. That said, they were easily pushed aside and didn't detract from the flavor of the greens, because, honestly, greens soaked in vinegar WILL dominate your taste buds.
Satiety:
Lacking a little here, as I am absolutely fucking starving a little over an hour later. Granted, I am known as the human garbage disposal amongst friends due to the fact I eat a lot - all the fucking time - and am always hungry. But still - a meal with these ingredients (and of this size - 10 oz./283g, as the box clearly fucking says) should seriously fill you up for at least three or so hours. Then again, 12g of protein... Maybe not.
Nutrition Facts:
Fuck you! Look these up yourself. All I'm going to say is there's milk and wheat, so don't eat this if you're a) vegan, b) lactose intolerant, and/or c) have a gluten allergy. Oh, and it's really high in sodium (780mg, or 33% of a 2000 Calorie diet).
Poop Potential:
Wait, what? Okay, so, I have a digestive disorder, so I'm going to include this in some of the posts (most of the food ones, and maybe a few of the electronics reviews...!) I make here, because my target audience is actually ME. That said, I'll be nice and mask them in the color of my background, so you can highlight to read if you actually want to.
Okay, so, I feel like this won't necessarily cause anything majorly catastrophic in terms of bathroom behavior. However, given the ingredients, I recommend lots of air freshening products and WWI-era gas masks. Things could get ugly. That said, minimal poop-age, more horrible gas.
Now, moving on!
The Drink
... Do you really have to ask? It's fucking Wild Cherry Pepsi and therefore amazing in a can.
The Can:
Not the Can:
Mmm, delicious.
The Verdict
All things considered, this was a pretty good meal. The frozen dinner was of good quality and what I expected from Amy's. At $4.89USD, however, it was kind of expensive for how... not-filling it was. So, pretty tasty, good ingredients, not very satisfying, little (immediate) discomfort, bright colours, and slightly expensive...
Amy's Southern Meals: Cornbread & Beans with Greens and Sweet Potatoes - 4/5
As for the Pepsi, shut up. You know it's amazing.
Wild Cherry Pepsi - 17/5
Recommended: Yes.
NOW GO AWAI!
No comments:
Post a Comment